


Killing All Remorse

by Fridoline



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Gen, Guilt, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Spoilers, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-09
Updated: 2013-08-09
Packaged: 2017-12-22 22:56:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/918982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fridoline/pseuds/Fridoline
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bertholdt's thoughts about Reiner's problem, their mission, and his duty of fullfilling it and what it has already cost them and will further on.<br/>Bertl's POV; can be read as Gen or implied M/M</p>
            </blockquote>





	Killing All Remorse

**Author's Note:**

  * For [EmmaGG](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmaGG/gifts).



Our objective was a simple one: Destroy humanity.  
The attack on Wall Maria and its consequences caused one fifth of man's population to perish. A small success, but we had only just started our mission.  
Unfortunately, and so naively unexpected by us, the horrors we caused would came back to haunt us. Seeing the lesser titans gulping down people everywhere triggered our own memory of Berik's gruesome death just days before our breaching of the Wall.  
We were just children, barely twelve years old, the emotional and psychological stress was too much. The guilt of a survivor and the guilt of a murderer merged into one big force and washed over you. I was not able to help you, I never were. Always the weak, the coward, I was too dependend on you so you could not depend on me, as something in you broke just like Wall Maria did. I broke the Wall, I broke you, that is my guilt.  
We couldn't continue our mission for the time being but we had to and we knew that. So we decided to train ourselves, to get emotionally and physically stronger and harden our resolve. We needed to become real warriors, the ones we failed to be at that time.  
Your plan to infiltrate the military was foolproof or so I thought, at least. Access to valuable equipment and information as well as the possibility to kill humanity from within - with fighting skills honed by their own security force.  
So, roughly two years after the 'titan disaster' we joined the 104th trainee squad and somewhere along those three following years things changed, you changed. A lot.

I saw you growing closer to the other trainees, I saw you growing fond of them. You became a big brother figure to many and that was no surprise. Always a good advise on your lips, always a strong person that people could depend on. I knew that part of you so well, you were just expanding these qualities to everyone else making yourself available as a friend for all those naive soldier-playing kids. I wasn't jealous as much as I was afraid. I had thought we did not want to get attached to anyone. Yet you befriended the very people we agreed not to engage with, the very people we were going to kill at the end of our training. The guilt in your eyes did not disappear but it changed from unbearable pain to something else; your eyes were glowing with responsibility. The warrior pretending to be a soldier at one point had become a real soldier. That realization hit me hard. I panicked, didn't know what to do. You were forgetting who you were. I couldn't lose you.

Nothing in my life scared me more than the thought of losing you.

You looked more determined and content than I had every seen you, as if you had finally found your purpose, your own personal life goal.  
But we had a mission and I could never carry it out alone. You were a warrior and there was no place for selfishness. These things we had left behind long ago, buried in our distant childhood of naive and fragile happiness – only a colourful smudge of memories of a time long past.  
Everyday we were risking our lives, everyday you became a better soldier with the purpose of protecting the Walls and the people. But our order was not to give our lives to protect humanity, our lives were sworn to the genocide of that race.

So I had to remind you. Over and over, again and again.  
"You are not a soldier, Reiner,....remember? You are a warrior!"  
I knew it was beyond cruel, calling you back to this part of reality, always doubling your pain, doubling your suffering, just to put the burden of our mission back onto your strong shoulders.

Because I was a coward, because I was weak.  
Because I needed you.


End file.
